The Popular Project (The Seduction of Lucy Dunn)
by The Bitch Who Died
Summary: Seduce the meanest girl in school. Become popular. Be the perfect boyfriend. Catch her "cheating." Those are the 4 steps to taking down Lucy Dunn once & for all. It would be easy if she didn't hate him. /or/ In which Evan Goldman tries to seduce the seductress during 9th grade. (full summary inside) AUish [evan/lucy/patrice/brett love square] R
1. The Problem With School

Full Summary: Evan Goldman probably just made the biggest mistake of his life. Again. Except this time, he's doing it to take down the most popular girl in school's best friend. Lucy Dunn. Who terrifies him. And he's somehow expected to make her fall in love with him.

**/or/**

Girls like Lucy Dunn don't talk to losers like Evan Goldman. Especially not after what happened when they were in the 8th grade. But that doesn't matter now that they're finally 9th graders. Or at least, it doesn't until he starts trying to get in her pants. AUish [evan/lucy/patrice/brett love triangle] R&R

* * *

**Prologue: The Problem With School**

From the Perspective of a Drama Queen

School is the worst invention of all time. Well, the learning part of it. The gossip part is fun, at least, when you know how to manipulate idiots like the ones at my school.

Speaking of idiots - "hey, Kendra," I smile at my best friend. Now, I love my best friend, really, she's so, _so_ sweet (which makes her even easier to manipulate) but really, she has rocks for brains.

"Hi, Lucy, how was English?" She asks, aw, so concerned with her friends. Almost makes me regret what happened last year. Thank God I got all that sorted out.

"Terrible, I swear Mr. Castillo was _hitting on me._ He kept staring at me like I was fat or something - am I fat? Oh, my God I'm fat!" That has to be it! He wasn't hitting on me - he was being sarcastic because he thinks I'm repulsive!

"What? Lucy you're the thinnest girl I know, you aren't fat," Kendra assures me.

"I'm not?" I ask wide eyed. But . . . But I have to be, there's no other explanation . . .

"You're not, Mr. Castillo was probably just being creepy & thought you're really pretty." Being called pretty by your best friend never makes you feel like you are because, my God, she's your best friend, of course she's going to think you're pretty. But I'll take what I can get for now.

"Aw, you're so sweet, Kendra," I coo, smiling softly at her but I remember that I'm supposed to be the mean girl & deadpan the next part, "now come on, we have to get to Bio."

* * *

From the Perspective of a Loser

Biology is probably the grossest subject ever. I don't _want_ to know what a frog's insides look like. I don't _want_ to know about my prostates. I'm perfectly happy being confused about the function of ovaries too.

And did I mention that Ms. T has, in the very beginning of the year, begun to assign us our _permanent _lab partners. And she won't even admit it's because she's lazy!

" - Dunn & Goldman," she drones. Wait. _Dunn?_ As in Lucy Dunn? Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I cannot talk to Lucy Dunn, she hates me, she scares me, she'll kill me!

"_What?_" Lucy demands, glaring at the teacher. "Me & _it?_"

"Yes, Ms. Dunn, you & _him__,_" Ms. T corrects.

"Oh, my God," we breathe out together.

"Ms. T, I _can't_ sit next to the Brain - I'm allergic to his cologne!" Lucy exclaims, showing off her lying skills.

"I'm sure Mr. Goldman can buy _new_ cologne, Ms. Dunn." Is Ms. T _trying_ to get me killed?

"Her perfume makes me sick," I pipe up, it probably won't work, but I'm desperate!

"Brain!" She exclaims, looking ready to kill me.

"_Sit!_" Ms. T shouts at us. I jump. It's always the short ones . . .

Lucy grumbles something about God knows what as we trudge to an open desk. She drops her purse down as I plop down in my seat.

"You're too close," she complains in a hushed voice.

"The chairs are nailed to the ground," I complain back, trying not to blush at how close our faces are.

"I don't _care!_ Back off!" She whisper shouts at me.

"Why do I get a feeling you two will be a problem?" Ms. T groans, "I will _make_ you two like each other if I have to, just stop arguing, it's giving me a migraine."

"Yes, Ms. T," we monotone. After Ms. T turns around, I glance Lucy's way. She has the same idea. And last year comes rushing back.

I almost ruined her relationship, several times. I tried to set the guy she likes up with her best friend. And of course, she ruined my love life right back. And neither of us even got half of what we wanted out of it.

She hates me. She probably never wanted to talk to me again.

. . .

She's mean. She's manipulative. She's ruthless. She has no problem backstabbing people. She needs to be taken down a peg.

I don't even know how she managed to get Kendra back as her best friend or how no one remembered that _Lucy _was the one who started the rumor about me & Kendra, not Charlotte (who probably would've eventually, though). Actually, no, I'm not surprised no one remembered that Lucy started the rumor, not Charlotte.

I wonder how anyone could knock her down a peg or two though. The only thing that would get her is taking her popularity which is impossible because you'd have to be more popular than her to do that. And she's one of the most popular people in school.

Then there's the fact that the only ways to get popular are to: a) be an athlete, b) be extremely attractive & rich, c) be really charismatic, & d) date someone popular. Good luck with any of _that._ If only I could . . .

"Brain, are you even listening?" Lucy snaps.

"What? Uh, sorry," I mumble.

"God, if you're going to sit this close to me you can at _least_ take notes for us both," she tells me, glaring.

Wait, she expects me to take her notes for her?

_Dear God, please strike her down._

* * *

"I wish we could take her down," I murmur, absentmindedly at lunch.

"Take who down?" Patrice asks. Patrice & I are . . . Complicated. We're sort of a couple, but not really. We've kissed & both like each other but . . . I'm too chicken to ask her out officially.

"Lucy," I answer.

"We could," Archie says, decisively, "you'd just have to date her for it to work."

"What?" I snort, "me, date _Lucy?_ She hates me."

"Well, now she does, if you could get in close with her & make the school love you by being the perfect boyfriend, we could talk Brett into doing The Tongue with her & make everyone hate her for cheating on you," he explains.

"That's . . . Brilliant," I decide.

"And stupid," Patrice interjects, "all that just to get back at her for last year? And anyways, she's dating Brett, remember?"

"We could make it work, it would get back at her for _years_ of torment, remember when we were 6 & she - "

"Don't say it, Archie, just, don't," she snaps.

"Patrice, Lucy needs to be taken down a peg or two, & it might make being lab partners with her just a little more bearable," I point out.

". . . Fine. But only because of what she did when we were 6."

Well, looks like I've got a lot on my plate this year. Getting in with the people who hate me most, great. This'll be fun.

* * *

From the Perspective of a Drama Queen

"Lucy, you've been staring at the loser table all lunch," Brett says, "what's up, babe?"

"Nothing," I snap.

"I know what's up," Kendra, of course, Kendram pipes up, "Ms. T made Lucy & Evan Goldman lab partners."

"What? Lucy, that's terrible! I'm so telling everyone!" Thank you, Charlotte. See, this is why people believed me when I said that Charlotte made up the rumor about Kendra & the Brain.

"Charlotte!" Kendra exclaims, "this is serious."

"I bet it's because I'm fat," I snap, "Ms. T hates me because I'm fat & now I have to sit next to Brain because of it!" That _has_ to be it! This is happening because I'm fat!

"What? You aren't fat, Lucy!" Kendra exclaims. Brett, my _boyfriend,_ says nothing, instead he mouths something with a confused expression. He thinks I'm fat, oh, my God, I'm fat.

"Shut up, I'm not eating lunch." I'm not, I refuse to get any fatter!

* * *

From the Perspective of a Loser

I watch Lucy snap at her friends, something about being fat - which is stupid, she's insanely thin. The girl has a hair trigger temper & motive to manipulate you & lie about you until the whole school hates you. And I'm supposed to seduce her now. Stupid terminal illness no one can say no to.

"She's going to kill me," I deadpan to Archie.

"After she eats you alive," he corrects.

"Do you even care that you've put me on a suicide mission?" I ask, not sure I wanna know the answer.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" How can he say that so casually?

"No," I deadpan again.

"Well, good luck not getting killed by her," he pats me on the back & hobbles off with help from his crutches.

"I hate you!" I yell after him.

"I hate you, too!" He yells right back.

Terrible. Just terrible.

I glance Lucy's way. She's ditched her lunch & isn't talking. She's a little busy glaring at me.

Oh, God.

* * *

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	2. Loseritis

Full Summary: Evan Goldman probably just made the biggest mistake of his life. Again. Except this time, he's doing it to take down the most popular girl in school's best friend. Lucy Dunn. Who terrifies him. And he's somehow expected to make her fall in love with him.

**/or/**

Girls like Lucy Dunn don't talk to losers like Evan Goldman. Especially not after what happened when they were in the 8th grade. But that doesn't matter now that they're finally 9th graders. Or at least, it doesn't until he starts trying to get in her pants. AUish [evan/lucy/patrice/brett love square] R&R

* * *

**Chapter 1: Loseritis**

From the Perspective of a Loser

I'm not gonna lie. I have no _clue_ how to s_educe_ Lucy! _She's_ the seductress! How am _I,_ a Jewish kid whose almost 14, supposed to seduce her? Maybe I _was_ the most popular guy in school back in New York, but this is Indiana & I screwed up any chance of popularity last year.

I'm not hot enough by her standards, I'm not buff enough by her standards, I'm not popular enough by her standards.

This is gonna end with Brett punching me in the face again, isn't it?

Great. Just great.

Ooph! Ow, what did I run into?

A girl.

"Sorry, I wasn't looking, are you okay?" I ask, helping her up.

"I'm _fine,_" she snaps, shrugging me off. Wait.

"_Lucy?_" I ask, jumping back.

"_Evan?_" She asks, jumping back. Wait! This is my chance! It's now or never, Goldman!

"Uh, yeah, & um . . . Well, I was wondering if maybe, you might wanna go to Dairy Queen after school - you know, for the notes from Bio," I ask, scratching the back of my head & carefully walking closer.

She blinks, like she doesn't believe it, "fine, Brain," she says, "it's a date." She winks, pats my chest, & struts off.

Wait. What?

Did _Lucy Dunn _just agree to go on a date with me? And admit that it's a date? While on with her on again, off again boyfriend?

Oh, my _Jewish_ God.

* * *

"I kid you not, Archie - she looked me in the eye & said, "it's a date." Then I swear she winked, pat my chest, & strut off like she was trying to make sure I stared at her butt," I exclaim to my friends at our lockers.

"Wait, you asked her out out?" Patrice shouts.

"Y - yeah, that's part of the plan, right?" I ask, cowering.

"It is, Patrice, you can't keep getting jealous, we need Evan to seduce her after all," Archie explains.

"Jealous? Who would be jealous about _him & Lucy?_" Patrice scoffs. Okay, not gonna lie, that stings. She angrily slams her locker shut & storms off.

I groan & slump against my locker.

"Cheer up, Ev," Archie says, struggling to pat my shoulder comfortingly, "you've got a date."

"I hate you," I deadpan.

"I hate you, too," he nods.

I groan, trudging off. I have the worst friends.

* * *

My fingers drum against the table as I awkwardly await Lucy. A few people stare & glare, muttering things.

I check my phone, trying not to look like a total loser. 0 new messages. Yep, not a loser. Crap, people are looking - better fake text someone. Okay, make sure no one can see the phone - awesome, now, ready, set, go!

"Loser," & there goes any chance of happiness. Wait, make sure Brett is no where near, I really don't wanna get punched in the face again.

"Hey, Lucy," I fake a smile, putting my phone away & sitting up a little. My mom is always nagging me about proper posture ("How do you expect to get into law school with a crooked spine?" which is Jewish for, "sit up!").

"So, the notes?" She asks, dryly, glancing down at her phone under the cover of her purse. Yay.

"Right here, do you want me to go over them for you?" I offer, opening my Bio notebook on the table, "or get you a soda or something?"

"Water, I'm on a diet," she says, craning her neck slightly to read the notes.

"You sure? I could've sworn I saw you throw out your lunch today," I point out, standing up.

"_Fine,_" she snaps, "water & fries."

"Alright, wanna split 'em, Archie guilted me into buying movie tickets a while back so I'm a little short on cash," I explain, laughing a little.

"Whatever," she flips her hair back, examining the notes.

From the Perspective of a Drama Queen

If I was better at Biology! Ugh, at least he takes good notes. Still, I don't get half of this.

Biology: the only class hard to get an A in.

I may be in AP classes but Biology is just . . . Ugh.

I can't _believe_ Ms. T is already throwing us into review, it's only the first week of school. Pathetic, she _must_ have no life outside of that classroom. I bet she assigns as many projects as everyone says to have something to do over the weekend.

Oh, my God, I can _totally _see her & 7 cats on the couch with a Kleenex box & Ben & Jerry on a Saturday night!

I giggle just a little at the thought, it's _hilarious._ My phone buzzes, ugh, who is it? Oh, it's Charlotte.

_Lucy I heard u and Evan r DQ. ? - xoxo - Char_

I roll my eyes & tap out a reply. _Chillax Char. OMG its 4 bio notes. Dont b such a gossip - kisses bitches - Lucy_

And send. God, Charlotte is such a _gossip._ I love it!

"One water & fries," & Evan's back. He sets down my cup of water with the lid off. Just. Like. I. Like. places the fries in the middle, setting down a milkshake for himself, "I wasn't sure if you wanted ketchup or not so I grabbed a few packs just in case."

"I love ketchup," I mutter. _Weird._

"Seriously? Me too," he grins. Okay, what's he up to? I fake a smile, pick out a fry as he finishes squeezing out some ketchup. I dip the fry in the ketchup quickly, not entirely sure I even want to eat & risk getting any fatter. My phone buzzes. Charlotte. Again. He smiles & grabs a few fries as I read her latest text.

_Wutevr u say Lucy - xoxo - Char_

I roll my eyes. Again. I always end up rolling my eyes when I text Charlotte. I check my text: _Me and Evan? Srsly? I knw ur a gossip Char but really? No way id risk catching loseritis - kisses bitches - Lucy __  
_

After sending it, I put my phone on silence.

"So, do you get what Ms. T was trying to say about what we learned last year?" He asks. Last year was basically an introduction to Biology. It was also incredibly dull, like goody-two-shoes.

"No," I decide to be blunt, discretely checking my phone under the pretense of looking down in embarrassment. _Kk. So true lol - xoxo - Char__  
_

"Okay, I'll break it down for you," he chuckles, scooting closer to explain it.

Gross, loser could be infectious.

* * *

Hold back that follow or favorite,

And trade it for a review,

It'll serve as feedback & motivation for my writing tricks,

And otherwise, I might just slap you.

- Queen Alison the Obstinate


End file.
